i was just thinking today... so many questions running through my mind. sometimes its the self conscious mind that throws me the questions. is it my image? is it the way i communicate? is it the way i present myself? it cant be. but why? all these years and i don't know why. its kinda pathetic actually.

how many people have i seen that fall in and fall out. it really makes me wonder. even assholes get them. everybody tells me the same shit.. i am so sick of hearing it. all the more it makes me not wanna believe in it. they all say: "the time will come, the time will come, the time will come, the time will come.." what the fuck... its not that i am impatient its just that how many years has it been already?? what am i to do? leave it to fate??? balls to you i would say. or is it true that i am already classified as an AFC? well i know PUAs would say that but.. come on, in life we have to be realistic right? not many people know the truth. my best friend thinks im some kinda social butterfly. sure i may know a lot of people but they just come and go come and go, thus the questions that are running through my head. of course i do have the confidence. but fuck, it does not seem to be helping. i won't say i am desperate. i may sound like one but think about it.. all these years and i don't have a good reason?? cut me some slack. and definitely i don't just take anyone. uh huh.. are my standards too high? can't be. im realistic enough. and i have told people what my standards are like. its obviously realistic.

maybe i should learn some things from nathaniel ( childhood buddy by the way). well it just seems that throughout these years there never seemed to be someone that suits the bill. im not being emotional, im just curious to know why thats all. all i need is my questions answered. thats all i need damn it. sometimes you get "them" complaining as well. same thing, always asking why. every now and then i would put deep thought into this. NOT ALL THE TIME.. its called self reflection.. wtf.. some of you guys might probably be laughing your asses off! oh well oh well.... again its unanswered.. when will i get the answer? Oh please God tell me!!

there's this song that i listen to and i find that it does speak of how i feel. the first verse goes like this:
verse:
Lead me where the vultures are waiting
Close my eyes fade into death
Slide me down where demons are hungry
For the first time the pain won't last.

Is there a flare in the middle of the desert
Would it please guide me home
I'm lost and found, but now im forgotten.

chorus:
I'm not afraid to be alone,
I give you my heart speaking
Its true that the earth and the muses
They know your neigh

I'm not afraid to be alone
I give you my word screaming
It's true that one day, this present phase
Will fade away...

verse:
Day breaks and the night fades away
Leaves me with an empty brain
I'm sitting down when the silence seems unto me
Break down, I feel it again..

Are we the hopes that you've all forgotten
Lay on my back and i dream of screams
Will we ever be the same

chorus

Are we the hopes that you've all forgotten
I dream of screams will we ever be the same?

chorus(x2)

blah blah blah.. im too lazy to type the rest.. but yeah you should get the idea. alright thats it.

time: 0137 AM
date: tuesday 220507